If you’d walked in to my living room last Saturday night, you would have found me curled up and bawling my eyes out — despairing over my terrible parenting skills after bedtime routines turned sour.
While Kristy was upstairs soothing and settling our little guy, I was crying on the couch and questioning everything.
It was a mistake to become a mom. I’m not cut out for it.
Who am I to lead other women, as if I’ve got my shit all figured out?
I’m a horrible mother for yelling at my child.
I feel like a fraud.
When I hit these dark places and low points, I want to find my way out as quickly as possible. Not to avoid feeling (because I sure let myself feel!), but because I know now that these thoughts are part of an illusion of fear and shame.
I feel mom-guilt when I believe the shame-based lies my inner mean girl tells me. I feel inadequate when I compare and judge. I am liberated when I change the script running in my mind.
In these moments we require the gifts of the Healer archetype: compassion and forgiveness.
We can fully feel and acknowledge our emotions, AND also know when we have slipped into the illusion of fear, shame, and limiting self talk. This is important for us as women committed to our spiritual growth and increasing our LIGHT: the more light we have, the better we see our shadows. The hurts that still need to be healed, the cages we’ve constructed around our souls dismantled.
A month ago I started writing something about being unshakable so you are unstoppable. But I never finished it or shared it publicly.
Now I know why — because being unshakable isn’t possible, nor is it in fact the ultimate goal.
I’ll bet that like me, you want to be shaken; trembling from the quakes that take hold of your body and soul as your truth, your power, your Wild Wise Woman arises within you.
I thought I wanted to be unshakable,
So nothing could blow me off course.
But that was the ‘me’ thinking I knew the best way to get there,
when instead I could allow Her to drive.
Last night I woke up to a thunder storm.
This morning my heart cracks open even more to you.
How can I possibly hold all this sorrow and all this joy,
all this fear and love that I feel?
I thought I wanted to be unshakable. I was wrong.
Oh yes, let me be shaken to my core. Again and again.
I groan as I bend,
lean in to the wind that sculpts me,
thank the water that soothes me
welcome the fire that scars me,
and fall into the arms of the earth that holds me.
I can no longer keep my Wise Wild Woman waiting on the doorstep.
She has so much to teach me, will this lifetime be enough?
No, it never is. That’s why we keep seeding ourselves and sprouting up
throughout the ages, in every country.
Guardians and teachers of the wisdom and love of She — unstoppable.
~ Flora Ware, 2018